Band 6 IELTS Model Essay - IELTS Writing Lesson

source: Oxford Online English      2017年12月5日
In this video lesson, you can see a model band 6.0 IELTS essay. You'll see what the student does well and where the IELTS essay could be improved.
The full version:

This lesson will help you:
- Understand what the problems are from the model IELTS essay.
- Learn how you can improve these problems in your own IELTS essay.
- See what parts were strong in each part.
- Link what was written to the scoring of the IELTS essay.
- Understand the different areas of IELTS scoring and how the essay does well or needs improvement in those areas.
- Make your writing clear and consistent throughout your IELTS essay.
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Here is the model essay:
In Korean society, people believe that there is a strong correlation between salary and the importance of work. However, over the past decades, some works with great importance have been undervalued than others. This is because demand is the criteria which decides the value of works.

The importance of works has limited influence on deciding salary. The word ‘importance’ is highly subjective and there is no way to measure the significance of a work precisely. Therefore, comparing one job to another by their importance is impossible and has significant flaws in it. For instance, nurses and company bosses are equally important to our society and there is no solid answer for which occupation is more important. That is why economy professors at Hanyang University claimed that demand decides how much money people get paid.

Demands on job markets is the key criteria that have immense impact on people’s salary. In the market theory, the price of a product is decided by its demand. The same mechanism can be applied to job markets. Demand for the professionals with unique skill sets and work experiences will be much higher than others and this will increase the value of the workers and their salaries. That is why famous stars and international company CEO are paid much more than others.

People’s salaries are decided by demands in job markets not by the importance of works. Certain workers such as doctors and nurses are undervalued because the demand for the occupation is not high.

IELTS Writing Task 2 Scoring: